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I stared at Archie, and he stared back at me. I was sitting on my bed, and he was standing up next to my mahogany dresser. The morning light shined through my bedroom window, spilling across his ginger hair. He cracked a small smile, and I took a heavy breath.

Had my dream finally come true?

He stepped towards me, raising his left eyebrow. I heard a ringing. “Oh, no” I thought to myself. Reality smashed over my head, like a pane of glass over a statue of The Fonz. I shut my eyes, and I realized it had just been another dream. I reached out to grab Archie’s hand.


My hand passed through his, and I opened my tear-filled eyes, in my bed, alone. It had happened again. My dreary midnight dance with my favorite cartoon star had once again come to a sad finale. Why did I tease myself so? My homoerotic Archie Fantasies would never truly be fulfilled, and telling myself they could as only going to make it worse on myself. I stood up and walked downstairs, to the smell of waffles.

“How did you sleep honey?”

I remembered her. My wife. I scowled in disgust and I was reminded evermore how my life was not how I had planned it to be. I sat down at the table and picked up the newspaper, and flipped furiously to the comics section.

Ah, I had found it. Although I chucked at the antics of Mr. Flutesnoot, I was rather disappointed to see my red-headed hero was missing from today’s adventure. I sighed and said to myself “At least I have my ‘Archie and Jughead double digest’…”

My wife put a plate full of waffles in front of me. She smiled, so I did the best I could to smile back, although it was empty, as she was no Archie. It would be generous to call her Jughead. I can’t remember why I ever even married her.


It was all coming back to me at this point. My dream world was all but faded, and I was reminded yet again of the terrors of my life. My daughter looked up at me, I loved her, but I would off her in a second if Archie told me to. I took a bite full of waffles, a tear going down my face. I looked down, avoiding the gaze of my wife, who was feeling quite unfulfilled as of late. I saw the checkered pattern of he waffles and smiled, it reminded me of my dear Archie’s crosshatched hair.


I cursed the novelty doorbell my wife bought as I walked to the door. I opened it, and was excelled to near-orgasm almost instantly.


His fiery locks glistened in the morning light, and he cracked a small smile, it was just like my dream! I was shaking with excitement.

“I’m here to pick up Josie.”

My heart sank. Why was he here for my wife? She was shocked too.

“A-Archie! Y-You said you wouldn’t come!”

“I changed my mind, It’s about time we told your husband here the truth.”

“N-No, he can’t find out this way!”

“He must.”

Archie turned to me and looked me in the eyes.

“Dilton, your wife has been cheating on you. With me. I’m taking her and the kids away from you.”

It came as a great shock to me. My inventions couldn’t save me here. My real life, and my secret fantasy crashed before my eyes, as Archie, Josie, and my daughter Mary left forever. I returned to my room, and cried. Cried while masturbating.
Wrote for the Great Goon write-off
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Rainbow-Slut Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2008   Traditional Artist
Lmfao, how pervie xD
Yet sad for the guy, lawl xD
Geolyn Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2007
:laughing: That has got to be the funniest wackiest stuff I've read in a really long time. Much awesomeness. The randomness is what carried it through, that and the sheer ridicoulous nature of a guy masterbating to a comic strip character. THis bashes the hell out of bad fan ficition in soo many ways.
Akatosh36 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2007
I love this story so much...especially the bit with the waffles reminding him of crossthatching.
D-drac Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2006
GEH!! :o
Um, my flutterbox hurts now!
OhSoNaive Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2006

That's hilarious.
Coidzy Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2006
This was intended to satire all those crazy fangirls and other types who constantly go on and on about their favourite character on which they form carnal fixations and what would be more likely than anything else to happen if such things manifested themselves in our world?
altffour Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2006  Professional General Artist
sort of yes

it's parody
Coidzy Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2006
I love it and yet fear it at the same time. I bow to you, sir.
JRPomazon Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2006
Oh my Gawd. That was absolutely amazing. A bit on the edgy side, but still one of the most amusing reads I've had all year.
altffour Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2006  Professional General Artist
I walk the edge :shocked:
Betalogan Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Interesting that a man would lead a normal fulfilling life while secretly lusting for one that could never be. And then having his whole life shattered by that crappy comic book character.
altffour Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2005  Professional General Artist
in my story he is a real life character
Betalogan Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah. That adds to the delightfully twistedness of it all. I wouldn't be suprised if the kid is Archies too.
altffour Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2005  Professional General Artist
I'm not sure I understand what you said, but Dilton is also an archie character.

If that's who you meant by kid :pwn:
termite-of-justice Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2005
You're an asshat in the forums, but you share an appreciation for the damned redhead. I'm torn between grinning and just pretending I never read this.
aishwaryajain Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2005
well wtf!! :rofl:
merfed Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2005
the first sentence reminded me of the pedo files~
W-P-S Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2005   Writer
Awesome, hilarious, and well written.
Uskuri Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2005  Hobbyist
L3g3nd Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2005
I... don't think I can critique this...
altffour Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2005  Professional General Artist
Thats too bad
L3g3nd Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2005
Certainly creative... The question is whether that's a good thing in this instance... :confused:
TheBronzeMan Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2005
whoa, thats a masterpiece. Good work! Keep it up.... the good work I mean, not your...self, lol.
nervene Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2005
My life has been turned upside-down.
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October 17, 2005
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