I stared at Archie, and he stared back at me. I was sitting on my bed, and he was standing up next to my mahogany dresser. The morning light shined through my bedroom window, spilling across his ginger hair. He cracked a small smile, and I took a heavy breath.
Had my dream finally come true?
He stepped towards me, raising his left eyebrow. I heard a ringing. “Oh, no” I thought to myself. Reality smashed over my head, like a pane of glass over a statue of The Fonz. I shut my eyes, and I realized it had just been another dream. I reached out to grab Archie’s hand.
My hand passed through his, and I opened my tear-filled eyes, in my bed, alone. It had happened again. My dreary midnight dance with my favorite cartoon star had once again come to a sad finale. Why did I tease myself so? My homoerotic Archie Fantasies would never truly be fulfilled, and telling myself they could as only going to make it worse on myself. I stood up and walked downstairs, to the smell of waffles.
“How did you sleep honey?”
I remembered her. My wife. I scowled in disgust and I was reminded evermore how my life was not how I had planned it to be. I sat down at the table and picked up the newspaper, and flipped furiously to the comics section.
Ah, I had found it. Although I chucked at the antics of Mr. Flutesnoot, I was rather disappointed to see my red-headed hero was missing from today’s adventure. I sighed and said to myself “At least I have my ‘Archie and Jughead double digest’…”
My wife put a plate full of waffles in front of me. She smiled, so I did the best I could to smile back, although it was empty, as she was no Archie. It would be generous to call her Jughead. I can’t remember why I ever even married her.
It was all coming back to me at this point. My dream world was all but faded, and I was reminded yet again of the terrors of my life. My daughter looked up at me, I loved her, but I would off her in a second if Archie told me to. I took a bite full of waffles, a tear going down my face. I looked down, avoiding the gaze of my wife, who was feeling quite unfulfilled as of late. I saw the checkered pattern of he waffles and smiled, it reminded me of my dear Archie’s crosshatched hair.
DINGARIE DONG! DINGARIE DONG!
I cursed the novelty doorbell my wife bought as I walked to the door. I opened it, and was excelled to near-orgasm almost instantly.
ARCHIE WAS THERE.
His fiery locks glistened in the morning light, and he cracked a small smile, it was just like my dream! I was shaking with excitement.
“I’m here to pick up Josie.”
My heart sank. Why was he here for my wife? She was shocked too.
“A-Archie! Y-You said you wouldn’t come!”
“I changed my mind, It’s about time we told your husband here the truth.”
“N-No, he can’t find out this way!”
Archie turned to me and looked me in the eyes.
“Dilton, your wife has been cheating on you. With me. I’m taking her and the kids away from you.”
It came as a great shock to me. My inventions couldn’t save me here. My real life, and my secret fantasy crashed before my eyes, as Archie, Josie, and my daughter Mary left forever. I returned to my room, and cried. Cried while masturbating.